Stream of Conciousness

Scammered

2010-08-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. Apparently a friend of mine got his email account hacked and now a Nigerian email scammer has decided that I'm the best bet to get a quick payday. But you know what? MWAHAHAHAH! Joke's on him! C'mon, that's worth at least a little mwahahaha.

History first:

I got the email from a from a friend's account that said he's in desperate trouble. My friend Bob is apparently stuck in Wales after having been robbed of his credit card, cell phone, wallet, etc. (Do they even have crime in Wales? I know they have sheep and Ryan Giggs, but I thought that was about it.) Anyway, I've reposted the emails verbatim:

@ 6:49am -'Bob':
Subj: HELP HELP!!!!
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here to Wales,United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately i was mugged at the park of the hotel where i stayed,all cash,credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily for me i still have my passports with me.
I've been to the embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all and my flight leaves in less than 3hrs from now but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let me leave until i settle the bills,
I'm freaked out at the moment.
Robert Laymon
Lord of Lochaber

[Immediate problems I see:
Beyond poor English. Bob is a well spoken person who, I doubt, could even fake what's written here.

"down here to Wales,United Kingdom" Is the guy from Norway or does he simply live at a higher altitude than Wales? Also, what person living in Europe or the U.S. would make reference to "Wales,United Kingdom"? I'm assuming we all know that Wales is part of the UK and therefore that 'Bob' wouldn't need to specify the UK. Unless of course there's another country named Wales of which I'm not aware.

The hotel won't let Bob go. As far as I know, most hotels make you use a credit card up front so you can't just skip out. Maybe this is a hotel from the movie, "Hostel". If it is, then Bob's in some serious trouble.

His wallet, credit card, phone, etc. were stolen the day before he leaves (wow, hard luck). Fortunately though, he has email, what a lucky break.

He must have taken a VERY short vacation because I saw him at church on Sunday. That's a tough itinerary. Leave on Sunday night (since I saw him on Sunday afternoon), fly 15 hours to Wales, live it up among the sheep, and go to the airport to fly home on Tuesday afternoon (I'm adjusting for the time difference here). Brutal, barely a vacation. If it were me, I'd almost be grateful to be mugged just so I can cure the hangover before I have to get on the plane. (I hear shepherds have some wicked drinking games like 'Flipsheep' and 'cwrw-pong')]

@7:59am - Me:
Bob,
It looks like somebody has hacked your account. It might be time to change your account password or email address altogether.

@8:42am - 'Bob':
Subj: My email was not hacked,
email was not hacked,l know this sounds weird and you wouldn't believe me,i'm really stuck out here in the UK and it's devastating at the moment.l wish l could call but l don't have access to phone at the moment ,I have nothing left on me and i'm grateful to God that i still have my life and my passport cos it would have been worst if they made away with mypassport.
I am full of panic now and the police only asked me to write a statement about the incident and directed me to the embassy,i have spoken to the Consulate here but they are not responding to the matter effectively,I really need your help to get myselfout of this place.
Robert Laymon
Lord of Lochaber

(In an attempt to expose Lord Rober of Lochaber, I asked him a question for which he should know the answer)
@8:52 - Me:
Where were you on Sunday?
(Correct response: In church, teaching a lesson)

@10:07 - Bob's response:
[His flight leaves in 3 hours. If that's the case, then Bob's already missed it. I don't know what he'll do now.]
Subj: My email was not hacked,
OMG....are you kidding me...i am mentally unbalance right now as i can't think straight...if i was not the one i won't have asked you to send the money to my name,as we both know i will need some kinda of identification at the bank or western union before cashing the money...as this point i will want you to know that you are my only hope and i want you to put yourself in my shoes

@10:18 - Me:
OK, I accept that you're mentally unbalanced and can't remember where you were on Sunday. Since you apparently can remember my email address, can you at least tell me who you live with?

(Just for fun, I took a more conciliatory tone.)
@10:42 - Me:
Hey Bob, Sorry about that, I just called your house and since you weren't there, I called Larry to see if he knew where you were. He said that he was getting your mail since you were out of town on business. What do you need?
[Yeah, I know Larry the Cucumber (Vegitales) isn't the most compelling name, but it was the best I could come up with on short notice.]

@11:31 - 'Bob'
Glad you replied back to my email..I still have my life and passport cos it would have been worst if they made away with my passport. well all I need is just $1,850 and you can have it wired to me via Western Union. Here's my info below
Name:Robert Laymon
Location:8 Industrial Estate, Dry Drayton CB23 8AT, United Kingdom.
As soon as it is done, kindly get back to me with the confirmation number and let me know if you are heading to the WU outlet now?
Thanks...

@11:47 - Me:
The Western Union office is having some trouble. They say that the address you gave me is not in Wales. The only address they could find was near Cambridge. Can you verify that the address is right?

@3:49am - Bob:
am so sorry for that here is the western union details
Location:London United Kingdom.

@8:59 - Me
I'm glad to know you were able to get away from the hotel that was keeping you because you weren't able to settle the bill. I'm also glad to know that you were able to hitchhike from Wales to London because your money had been stolen. What do you need now? How much would an airplane ticket cost to get you home? Would it help if I just bought the ticket in your name?

@10:35 - Bob
Glad you replied back to my email..I still have my life and passport cos it would have been worst if they made away with my passport. well all I need is just $1,850 and you can have it wired to me via Western Union. Here's my info below

Receiver:Lord Robert
Address : 32 LONDON ROAD, Hertford, SG13 7LG
Country: United kingdom.

As soon as it is done, kindly get back to me with the confirmation
number and let me know if you are heading to the WU outlet now?
Thanks...

@11:25 – Me

OK, the confirmation number is: 1666001928

@11:56 - Bob
Just got back from western union and they said they have no record of the confirmation number you gave me please check and get back to me asap....here is the details 1666001928 hope to hear from you soon.

@12:37 - Bob
pls am still waiting for you to get back to me with the full senders name and the correct confirmation code
keep me posted with the western Union details

@12:51 – Me
Confirmation code: 1666001928
Senders name: J. Jacob Jingle Heimerschmitt.

Bravo Sierra Oscar Delta For Echo Yankee

2009-08-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

Revenge, sweet revenge

Can I say this sort of thing?

2008-05-07T15:18:00.001-07:00

Camille and I are currently observing the same bedroom rules as the Flintstones, i.e. separate beds. This is because Camille can't sleep on a regular bed because her body won't allow it. She sleeps in an overstuffed recliner next to the bed.

This morning, before Jack woke up, we were shooting the breeze and she suggested that we snuggle because that's something we rarely get to do. The conversation went like this:

Camille: Hey, let's snuggle.
Carl: If you think I'm going to climb into that chair with you, you're sorely mistaken.
Camille: You big baby.
Carl: You're the one that's big with baby.

I don't often get to win in debates, but I won that round.

Vegetarianism

2008-04-24T19:18:00.001-07:00

Vegetarians say, "I don't eat anything with a face."

I have decided to say, "I won't eat anything with a face. Thank goodness that 16 oz. steak didn't have a face."

The Irish

2008-04-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is not a racist post.

I saw a Guiness beer truck on the way to school. It advertised a light beer, a pale beer, and a dark beer. I can't tell the names of the beer because I have forgotten them. The important thing is that the blurb on the truck said, "Raise what they raise in Ireland, responsibly."

I thought, "What, leprechauns? Do we really have an problem with irresponsible leprechaun farmers?"

I then got to thinking what life on a leprechaun farm must be like. All I could think of was that you probably had to watch out for little pots of gold.

Boy Scouts v. ACLU

2007-09-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Boy Scout
Oath:
On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

Law:
A Scout is:
Trustworthy,
Loyal,
Helpful,
Courteous,
Kind,
Obedient,
Cheerful,
Thrifty,
Brave,
Clean,
and Reverent.

Motto:
Be Prepared!

Slogan:
Do a good turn daily

If the ACLU is opposed to the Boy Scouts then it is opposed to its values. Therefore, the ACLU Oath, Law, Motto, and Slogan probably go something like this

Oath
I have no honor, but I will do my best to do my worst to God and my country and to ignore the Scout Law; to hose other people at all times; to keep myself physically weak, mentally asleep, and in a constant state of moral vertigo.

Law
The ACLU is:
Untrustworthy,
Disloyal
Unhelpful
Unfriendly,
Discourteous,
Unkind,
Disobedient,
Unhappy,
Untrustworthy,
Wasteful,
Cowardly,
Unclean,
and Irreverent.

Motto
Be Unprepared!

Slogan
Dig a pit for thy neighbor daily.

I guess it's easy to tell which organization should be kept around.

Train up a child...

2007-09-25T09:12:00.001-07:00

There's not a lot to say about this video, but Camille and I think it's cute.
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You know what's sexy?

2007-09-14T15:40:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to figure out what it is about American muscle cars that I don't like. I mean, I love Euro muscle, but red, white, and blue muscle cars just don't do it for me.
I've finally come to conclusion, it's that the American cars are just too obvious.
Example, the Corvette. It just looks FASSSST!. It looks like it's doing 85 just sitting in the driveway. It bores me to tears.

I think it's comparable to women.

Some women are simply out there. They couldn't be more obvious if they wore something with "Take me I'm yours" printed on it.

Other women are attractive beyond reason because their clothes are long enough to cover the subject, and short enough to keep them interesting. The invitation is, "Why don't you come and see?"

That's how I feel about Euro cars. If asked the question, "Are you fast?", the American muscle car says, "Look at me, let me rev my engine, I'M FASSST!" Meh.
If you ask a Euro car, "Are you fast?", the Euro car says, "Why don't you get in and find out?"

Case in Point:
Corvette says:

"GET IN NOW!!!!!!!" It screams, "DRIVE ME UNTIL I EXPLODE!!!"

Maserati Gran Turismo says:

"You've got the keys, tell me what you think"

It's Not Just Me

2007-09-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

I was poking around looking for something to read when I found a fun article on Time.com. I realized upon reading it, that in fact, I'm not the only Hummer-hater. In coordination with the last post I'd like to clarify that I'm speaking only of the Hummer vehicle itself, not the actual driver. The actual driver will be referred to without an uppercase "H" because the hummers who drive Hummers are not even proper nouns.

50 Worst Cars in History

An interesting photo I found is of a Hummer that almost got off-road. In fact, I believe this may actually be the closest that a Hummer has ever been to actually driving on something that wasn't specifically designed for it to drive on. I understand that there are out-of-door driving courses but those are simply a new place to showcase the Hummer, they have been sculpted with all the tenderness of a professional golf course and therefore, do not count as "off-road". They are simply a non-asphalt/concrete road.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

2007-07-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Thus far I have given Hummer drivers the benefit of the doubt and considered them to be human beings. I'm done with that. I used to think that the Hummer owners just had insecurities and over the last few days, I realized what those insecurities are. Men, of course, simply lack the usual signs attributed to the male gender and think a Hummer will compensate for that. Women Hummer drivers feel fat. I have news for them, they are fat and the Hummer only emphasizes that fact. It adds a grotesque 6,000 pounds.

If you're reading this column, you may be wondering why I'm angry. The reason is that I was nearly killed on my scooter yesterday by, you guessed it, a Hummer. I had the right of way but the idiot decided to try and make a left hand turn. I managed to stop before I put a dent in his passenger door. When I finally got settled (my scooter nearly spilled because I had to throw on my brakes so hard that the wheels locked up), the driver decided that, "OK, now I'll go." Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to swear angrily at him and tell him to let me pass. I went past and continued to yell until he was gone. This is not road rage, this is terrified-for-my-life-because-a-piece-of-meat-with-
enough-money-to-buy-an-H2-was-allowed-to-be-on-the-road-
instead-of-in-a-butcher's-shop-waiting-to-be-sold-by-the-pound.

H1 and H2 drivers deserve every bad thing that happens to them. Vandalism is wrong, but this story is one where the driver got what he deserved, after all, he bought the Hummer.

Hummer Vandalism Story

Hummer drivers should be insulted, stripped of their privileges as US citizens and human beings and shunned for the rest of their lives. There should be a rank of society called hummer. Those in this caste should only be allowed to clean toilets with toothbrushes, without pay. They should never be allowed to mix with higher social classes such as convicted felons.

One job that would allow Hummers to gain the privilege of being paid is where they along with their vehicles, are sent to Iraq to be used as mine sweepers. In other words, they drive down the roads looking for mines the old fashioned way, using their eyeballs. If they find one, then the soldiers can disarm the thing. Survival means continued minesweeping. They will work until they die. I'm sure the terrorists will oblige. This plan will allow our soldiers to be a little safer and will get rid of the most undesirable elements of our society. Their payment can be used to first pay for their funeral; second pay for their transport costs back to the US, and third for the removal of the wreckage of their vehicle; any remaining money will be given to their families.

I think this is a practical solution that should be given serious consideration. I know some Hummer owners may protest, but because they bought the thing, their protests will fall on deaf ears. If I get any nasty comments, I will immediately post them and they will show that these hummers are truly brainless.

So readers, remember the ultimate insult is to refer to somebody as a "hummer". Let's get the ball rolling by flying the bird every time we see a person driving a Hummer.

U R A BUS

2007-07-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

"Define: Subaru" Enter this phrase into Google, and there is every chance that you'll come up with something like "Design by Schizophrenia". I haven't actually tried it but just by looking at the cars, I come to that conclusion. The point of this post is to ask "What is it that thing, and why would a person do that to a helpless chassis?"

Take for instance the Baja. What is it? A car, a truck, a wagon, an SUV? I think the way that it was designed was by an engineer who had literally dozens of voices talking in his head with suggestions. "Make a car!" "No make a truck!" "No it has to be a wagon!" "But people are really into SUV's right now!" While in a dark corner corner curled up and rocking back and forth, an undercurrent of a voice is saying, "Make it small, I like to make things small, can we make it fit on the head of a pin, I love it when we make things fit on the head of a pin." Another voice (the one that speaks to Darwin award winners) was saying, "JET ENGINE, IT MUST HAVE A JET ENGINE!" Fortunately, the bureau of design approvers all hated flying and so ruled it out. But everybody on the bureau was happy because it catered to their preferences in some way or another.

I'm forced to wonder, how did they come up with the name? Baja, to what does it refer? I shouldn't ask or I would have to ask about the Hyundai Tiburon (spanish for "shark") Does the car swim? But I digress, I believe that the original name for the Baja was Suv, Car, WAgon, truCK. Or in other words, the "Subaru SCWACK". I actually think that's the what the voice was saying from another dark corner, "Scwack, scwack, scwack ..." That voice probably got the argument started in the first place. Baja is spanish for "Low" so I'm guessing it was the "Make it small" voice that came up with the name.

Another instance is their little coupes. Do they really think they need the air intakes to try and keep up with the Ferrari's? Basically Subaru, Ferrari's are out of your league, as are all things NASCAR. It's time to give up and stick with what you know, small, underpowered, disposable coupes that are painted in muted tones, not the bright, garish, sinfully ugly things that you're currently putting out on the roads. Case in point:

HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

This car is called the WRX. Seriously, the WRX. This name sounds like the left over Scrabble tiles that didn't fit any words. I think they named it that after getting sued by Willie Wonka for calling it the "uber-coupe-a-loompa" and then later by Disney for calling it the "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius".

I think I know why Subaru does it. College kids and people who are too old to be college kids but don't know it. If only the college crowd had their parents stop paying for their every need. I'm sorry, I'm here at the University of Denver and Holy Cow! does Daddy's money flow freely.

Enough of this rant, Subaru cars speak for themselves and what they're saying is "SCWACK!"

Also, did you know that Subaru spelled backwards is "U R A BUS"? Which voice was saying that?

Immigration

2007-07-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

I am speaking only for myself when I say this.

I think my major issue with immigration from Latin America is not that they come here. I say the more people who are willing to work hard, the better. I can't say that it's a bad thing for Latinos to bring in their culture, who's to say which "culture" is better? My big issue is when people immigrate for a meal ticket and not a new homeland. Too many people immigrate saying, "Yeah, I live here, but I'll always be a _______." If they want to come fine, but come and be Americans, don't come for the work opportunity, come to be a part of the country. Wave the American flag, don't drive around with Mexican flags hanging off the car. When the Mexican soccer team comes to town, wear the Red, White, and Blue, not El Tri.

I love the immigration of personalities, but I don't want the immigration of nationalities.

It's nice to be recognized

2007-05-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I had a good experience filling up on gas a couple of days ago. I got there and was greeted by a guy who had just filled up his Toyota Tundra. He said, referring to my scooter, "I'll trade you right now, straight across." I said, "OK, but I think you're going to regret it when you try to load it up."

It's nice to be recognized as the smart one.

Media Vultures

2007-04-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I think we've hit the bottom in the news. The Virginia Tech killings has become a ratings booster. I've had to stop looking at the news because all they can talk about is the Psycho Manifesto, the blah, blah, blah, killer this, the blah, blah, blah, killer that. If there's nothing to get from facts, the news goes to the guys dry-cleaner who says, "Yes, he was a very good customer, always paid on time." and the postman who says, "One time I saw him as a kid riding his bicycle, but he fell off and scraped his knee. I think that's what made him do it."

Come on people. This stuff should all be canned and put into a psychology textbook. In the manifesto, this guy mentioned the Columbine killers. If the media had quietly glossed over that, I think the copycat factor could be reduced. Let's let people make up their own ways to kill others instead of having obvious opportunities handed to them by our beloved channels of information.

I'm sure this post is not politically correct, but who cares really. My guess is that it's not the media's fault, we're the ones who look. Which just indicts the American public as hungry for any entertainment. Kinda like ancient Rome with the gladiators. OK people get up, up, up. Go outside, play with your kids. If you don't have any, go inside and get some. Oh, and while your at it, TEACH THE KIDS TO BE NICE TO EVERYBODY ELSE. If that's the only lesson we learn, well, I don't think it's a bad one.

History

2006-11-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

I wonder if Iraq will repeat history or create new history. Will they be able to get over the revenge mentality that according to the press is sending them to civil war? Or will they pull an annhiliation such that Iraq is left desolate? Only The Shadow knows.
Most civil wars end with everybody getting so tired of the killing that everybody abandons the area or peace is called. Maybe the Iraqis are stubborn enough to stick it out such that a new result occurs, that of annhiliation. This should be interesting.

Ahh politics, sweet politics

2006-11-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Well, now that the race for the Senate is over and the Democrats have control, I think about what the future holds. Do I care so much about stem cell research? No. Do I care about what happens with the war in Iraq? Sadly, only a tiny little bit. I realize that when the Dems cut and run, we'll have an influx of people who need jobs which will depress the labor market and negatively affect my stocks. Ah well, what do you do.

My burning question is this; what are they going to do with the taxes? Will they raise them so I'll be more in demand, or will they just leave them the same so I'll just be in demand?

And that my friends is what they call "voter apathy."

Soccer, Again

2006-11-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

My brother asked me for my thoughts on soccer as he pointed me to an article on Yahoo! News. Link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061104/ap_on_sp_so_ne/soc_nancy_armour

My response is as follows:

Hey, I liked the article. Do I think the US will get into soccer enough to dominate by 2010, no. I'd love to see a WC trophy for the US in Africa, but realistically, I don't think it'll happen. However, I do think that we'll make it out of the group stages and into the round of 16, maybe even out of the round of 8 (finger, toes, eyes crossed). With the US Soccer trying to get a hold of Juergen Klinsmann, I think that the US would finally have the coaching necessary to get into the elite stages of the World Cup. I also think the sponsors can come in line, and I think TV will pick up on it if people will watch MLS Soccer Saturday more consistently.

In the next 10 years though, I think there will be a major shift in sporting money. I think soccer will take a huge gouge out of the Trifeca of Tragedy i.e. baseball, basketball, and football. Soccer is a poor man's sport, you need a round ball, and a couple of shoes, and flat space to play. In this nation, there are a lot of places that are breeding grounds for brilliant soccer players. Unfortunately, the way players are tapped is by going through ODP where creativity is quashed in favor of X's and O's on a chalkboard. If recruiters visited the slums where people have nothing else to do other than play soccer, I think we'd have our picks of Ronaldinhos, Peles and Maradonas. Our midfield would be as good as any other in the world. Our defense is pretty solid, and poaching strikers can be found anywhere. Soccer can be broken into thirds. First, solid defense. We have three keepers playing in the Europe. Our defense is pretty solid if a little inexperienced (read, the US got knocked out of the World Cup by a diver and a bad ref watching the US defense.) OK, the past is behind us, live and learn. Next third is the finishing third. Basically, you can play soccer two ways, Long ball over the top to a creative striker who can make hash out of a defense. Second, midfield works the ball through the field and sets up a poacher for an easy tap in. Always, there's Brasil (when it's anybody but Zinedine Zidane) i.e. can do either. Creative strikers make hash out of a defense after the midfield makes hash out of the midfield after the defense gives them the ball and goes back for more milk, cookies and settles down to watch the rest of the game. I've watched several plays where Brasil has six men in the opponent's penalty area, they play keepaway for about 10 passes, and finally tap it in. It's absolutely amazing. Having said all that, I'm still a die-hard American soccer fan. The final third is of course, the midfield. The midfield must be creative to slide the passes through that will set up the poachers. If you bypass the midfield, you need strikers who can do the same thing.

Scoring at some point is going to be about creativity. If you don't have it, you don't score. Look at the US record in World Cups. I don't know about 90 and 94 but that's not important. We barely score 8 goals where Argentina scores six in one game (against a tiny country, but still...). In our spectacular showing in Korea-Japan, we scored 8 goals to make it to the round of 8. Germany scored 8 goals against Saudi Arabia; you get the idea. Americans lack creativity. Some of that is tactical, but there is a huge technical part to it. American footwork is not anything like Brasilian, English, or Cristiano Ronaldo (NOT Brasil's Ronaldo, this guy is from Portugal). If we visit the slums, that's where you find the footwork, instead of ODP where fitness is the watchword. Fitness can be created over a couple of seasons, footwork and the ability to "see" opportunities takes a lifetime. Landon Donovan was shut down in this 2006 because people knew they had to watch for him. They knew he was quick, but you can stop that by getting in his way. Zidane was unstoppable. His vision, passing, crossing, and footwork was beyond unreal. His fitness, well, he's 34, fitness ain't what it used to be. The result? France v. Italy in the final instead of in the Group of Death.

Back to ODP, I think it's a great system, but needs more scope. More people need access to it, not just kids whose parents can pay and travel for it. I think the grass roots are strong for soccer, I just think that there's a gap between planting and harvesting. The US can plant and harvest, it just needs to learn to cultivate better. As to cultivation, I think the knowledge of soccer has finally past the first generation. I read an article on soccernet.com about some of the US players and how soccer was a family thing. Clint Dempsey was introduced to soccer by an older sibling (I think brother but I can't remember details, don't bug me for them). Not only was he introduced, but he was trained by that brother, i.e. bigger brother made Clint work harder to be competitive with him. As for me, I'm already teaching Jack how to kick the ball. I hold his hands and he walks around chasing the ball. He has even learned to alter his stride length in order to have his foot hit the ball midstride. He's not perfect, but he's not even a year old yet. The point is that as a parent, I'm beginning to train my little boy to play soccer. I think there are other parents out there with soccer skills that will be passed (ha, ha!) on to the next generation. I'm excited to see what the next generation has in store for US soccer.

Short question, long answer. I hope you enjoy it.

Armchair Quarterbacks

2006-11-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

First, this post inappropriately named, and only slightly humorous. Armchair quarterbacks have generally at least seen a football other than on a TV screen. The person described here has NEVER actually touched a real soccer ball. He just "really thinks this game is cool."

I was watching a soccer match between Benfica FC v. Manchester United in the cafeteria a while ago and the most irritating guy alive (TMIGA) sat down at the table to watch the game. I don't mind this as it's a cafeteria and the game was on the TV. If it had been my living room I might have felt differently. Soon, and by "soon" I mean about two minutes later, I wished that I was not there. TMIGA was eating, but instead of eating quietly with his mouth shut, he was smacking with every movement of his jaw. It was driving me nuts. Pretty soon, he asked me who I was rooting for. I said Manchester United. He said, "They're an OK team." My jaw hit the floor, rebounded, smacked, and hit the floor again. I asked him if he was a Benfica fan. He answered no, smack, smack, smack. I asked him what league, if any, he followed. He replied that he followed all leagues and proceeded to give the life history and statistic of every single team, player, smack, coach, league, ball, flag, referee, net, and blade of grass in, smack, the history of the sport dating back to ancient Rome; smack, smack, smack.

Needless to say, I was impressed by the exhausting amount of information in his head. As I didn't know the complete history myself, I didn't have much to add by way of opinion. I asked him what team, if any, was his favorite. He replied that Pumas from Mexico was his favorite. I nearly threw up, but held it in. I asked him why. He said that they had a very attractive style of play and great players. I felt a great and burning desire to stick his head on a fork as a warning that fans of Mexican soccer were not welcome at this table. Instead I asked a crucial question, "How long have you been playing soccer?" What he said changed the course of the conversation, i.e. ended it. "Never, I just really think this game is cool."

As the game progressed, he became the third announcer with such comments as "good idea, poor execution" and "good idea, poor execution". Sometimes, he would even come up with something so creative as "good idea, but poor execution." By the end of the game, I was ecstatic because Man U beat Benfica at home, but I had quit listening to the monotonous drone of the TMIGA.

Later in the same cafeteria, I was watching a game between Barcelona and Chelsea. A large group of my friends had come because this was not a game to be missed, It was large enough that there were two rows of chairs. Sure enough TMIGA showed up again with his lunch and sat down in the second row. The endless stream of statistics and good-idea-poor-execution's started up again punctuated with his infuriating smacking noises. As the game continued, the entire front row was throwing him dirty looks which he appeared to be too dense to notice. At 1:15 a few people had to go to class. The girl on my right stood up and left. TMIGA moved as quick as lightning and took her spot. Unfortunate because one of the group was about to take the chair and use it as a foot rest to prevent his sitting next to us.

A couple of times, I asked one friend who has played some fairly high level soccer a question or two and almost incomprehensibly, TMIGA answered instead of my friend. I don't think TMGIA even understands some basic social skills required to be accepted in polite society. What most irritated me was that TMIGA pulled out his laptop and began announcing the results of other concurrent games. He even announced a goal for Chelsea. The funny thing is that we were actually watching when Chelsea scored. His announcement came a few seconds after it happened. By the end of the game, we had all quit talking to him or responding to his comments.

I understand why TMIGA is TMIGA. He would never get the joke of "Came apart like a $7 ball." He doesn't know the first thing about supplying the perfect pass or putting a volley past the keeper for the win. It's all X's and O's to him; theoretical, chalkboard information. He's never experienced the heartbreak, or exhilaration that comes from a good game. He'd be confused by the tension that arises in the final minutes of a crucial match, because the solution to him is just to be the X's and O's and you'll win. Sport to him is the same thing as a video game. If you push the right buttons at the right time, you score goals. He likes sport, but doesn't realize that you have to join to truly understand it. Good idea, bad execution son, go back to your X-box, smack.

Political Agenda Gone Awry

2006-10-31T16:10:00.000-08:00

You know, I don't really care what you say or how you say it. What I care about is that you come across coherently and intelligently. Today, the Democrats failed on both counts.

Take for instance today's blunder by Signeur Kerry, "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." Hmmm, not really something that anybody wants to say on purpose.

Here's the part that makes me think:
John Kerry goofs up on a statement like that, refuses to apologize and accuses the Republicans of twisting his words for political gain. I'm not really sure how you would twist them to sound any worse for Kerry. I think you would take the words verbatim, put them in bold, underline, italicize and all caps. Not a lot of "twisting" required.

It seems like Kerry just can't take responsibility for the words that came out of his mouth. I'm not sure what his excuse is this time but I'm pretty sure that he was in full control of his faculties when he said it. I know that somebody wrote the words for him, but it seems like if you open your mouth, you'd better know what's coming out.

The part that really makes me think is that if our politicians weren't focused on portraying their esteemed opponents as the devil, they'd be able to spend more time focusing on their own qualifications. Not that this idea is original or makes any sense to Congress, but I thought I'd throw it out there all the same.

Not a long post, but I figured that people should really spend more time working and less time reading blogs.

Tickling

2006-10-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

What kind of person thinks of this?

2006-10-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I had a thought recently about Hummers. They're built by GM which I think means Gaia Morte. But without getting into that, the original machine was built for the military. The military, in typical military fashion, gave the Hummer an acronym instead of a name. The acronym was HMMWV. It means High (or "Hi" if you're in marketing) Mobility Multi-Wheeled Vehicle. This spawned the following thought, "I'm sure glad they got the Hummer cuz riding a unicycle must have made shooting very difficult."

I can only imagine our soldiers in Afganistan riding a unicycle in some of the villages there. I mean, Iraq is doable because it's fairly level, but Afganistan would be brutal.

Comments and reaction: Gaia is the Greek goddess for Earth, and of course, Morte means death. It's probably inappropriate to single out GM as a cause for the destruction of the environment, but they're the ones with the gall to build a civilian Hummer so I'm not too worried about that. Just so nobody is confused, I am a practical environmentalist. I recycle if there's a recycling bin convenient, but I don't sort my trash. I drive a scooter and don't approve of buying more car than is necessary, but if I have enough family to fill it, I'll buy a Tahoe to keep everyone together on road trips, screw the gas mileage. I practice no trace camping, but I don't care about preservation of any particular species of moth. And last but not least, I buy Patagonia stuff if I need it, not because of what they represent (that said, I don't actually have Patagonia stuff, I prefer Jack Wolfskin (a shameless plug for my favorite outfitter)).

Two Roads

2006-10-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I chose to trudge through the brush. This article is about people who think they need special treatment because they can't make a decision. These people drive Subarus. I know this because Subaru is Japanese or Korean, or whatever language it is for "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!" I know that's what it means because if you look at their vehicles, you can tell the engineers were making decisions by compromise and back-room deals. Consider the Baja. Incidentally, it's also U R A BUS backwards.

I'm on the SBA Senate here at the law school. It's not really an honor because I was appointed to take care of the bookstore. I wasn't even elected. But, being on the senate provides some interesting opportunities to watch people give themselves a verbal massage. I'm talking about people who feel better because they can hear themselves talking. This meeting runs for about an hour and a half. If I had 3 muzzles, I could cut the meeting down to about 10 minutes. Three people keep the meeting running for 10 times as long as it should. Grrrr!

What I'm writing about today is not that people talk too much. I'm about to launch into something that people with highly sensitive feelings will be offended by. So, if you're easily offended, HA! GO JUMP IN A LAKE!!!! The issue that came up yesterday was whether we should include a box to check on the law school application for (moment to wipe the eyes from laughing) transgendered people. Oh, I know it's a highly volatile subject, but for today, I want to set aside "Right" and "Wrong". (Except I'm going to say it's wrong and these people shouldn't be entitled to any special rights or marriage.) Moving on however, should we include a special box for these people? OF COURSE NOT!!! The arguments for the box included: (1) These people feel discriminated against and we should make them feel welcome, (2) They would feel disloyal to themselves to check "Male" when Man! they feel like a woman, and (3) Although you're set up to be a man or woman, being transgender actually takes you out of either category.

This may have been the LAMEST argument I've ever heard. The argumenters completely missed the point. This isn't a question of how a brain is wired, it's a question of how a body is plumbed. Very simple now boys and girls, if you go to the boy bathroom, check male; if you go to the girl bathroom, check female. Got it? It seems to me that if you can take a shower, you can figure out what bathroom you should go to. If a person can correctly identify the plumbing, you can check the box. If you can't identify the plumbing, either, you need to go back to Sex ed, or you're under the knife and should not be filling out law school applications. First, it makes doctors jumpy to operate on lawyers and you don't want a jumpy doctor in this kind of operation. Second, I hope you're not awake for the surgery, cuz that would just suck.

You know, as another totally viable option, you could check one box, both, or neither. It's not a hard problem to solve.

Well, the arguments continued and we explored the area of whether a new bathroom should be installed for these people. We also came up with the policy of making these people feel accepted and welcome. "UC Boulder did it, maybe we could use their model!" That's Boulder for you. We also discussed including language about non-discrimination against weirdos. I voted against the motion, but it passed 20 - 3. Basically, DU will never see a penny of my donations if they decide to become a mistaken-lifestyle-welcoming school.

I have a question for people who claim that homosexuality is an inherent part of their nature. How do they explain how people who feel gay can go to a therapist and with time and counsel begin to not feel gay? Were they not really gay? Or maybe, here we go, gayness is not a part of their natures, it's just something they've accepted as normal and don't want to change. Things to consider. Enough of this post, I'm pretty sure I'll be getting death threats from the rainbow community soon. Just wait until I light into PETA.

There, I hope you've enjoyed our time together today, you know it gets harder and harder to just sit back and enjoy the finer things in life. Well, until next time; ta, ta.

Totally random

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

OK, so I was wrong about Dan Brown writing about the Mormons next. Apparently he's writing about the Masons. Fox News has a story about the next book if you care enough to slog through it.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,222278,00.html

This new announcement reminds me of a line I heard about Eddy Murphy. There was a radio show that made a spoof announcement of movies airing that weekend. One of the shows was Beverly Hills Cop IV. The tag line was "Because Eddy needs to make a house payment." I think the same thing could be said for Mr. Brown. He's writing another book because now that he's written books that have turned a profit, he's become accustomed to a lifestyle that includes three square meals a day and he wants it to continue. I wonder when somebody's gonna get him the hint that he's really not a very good writer...

My guess is that this book involves some mystery that can only be resolved through the use of symbology. I also think that to make it more interesting, he's going to have a heroine who is a space alien with mind powers can make things levitate. Maybe she can take Langdon back to her home planet. I wonder if there are mysteries on her home planet that can only be resolved through the use of symbology. Do you think Langdon's symbology would be applicable to an alien culture?

Next topic:
Something I said to Camille while we were eating dinner a couple of days ago. She made some potatoes and fried ham. The ham had cheese melted on it as an experiment to see if it would be better. She asked me if I liked it. I replied, "I don't like it like I like a ham sandwich." That's actually what I tried to say. In reality, I had to stop myself midsentence to figure out if I had used the word "like" correctly. Anyway, the reason I wrote this paragraph is because I believe that the sentence could be used as a tongue twister. Just for fun, I urge my reader(s) to say it five times fast out loud.

Mortality

2006-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I tweaked my knee playing soccer. It still hurts a little, I just have to be careful about running up and down things right now e.g. stairs, etc. I'm 28, I don't think that's too old, but the last time I bumped my knee like this, I was ready to go again a few days later. I guess my healing time is taking a little longer than it used to. So, I just have to be nice to myself.

My health habits have been pretty good, but I'm a little nervous about the next few years when my metabolism and activity level both drop. My genetics are such that I can be pretty darn fat. I've decided to continue jogging with my wife, doing push-ups every day and playing soccer with the little leaguers. Maybe I'll even be able to play in an over-30 league. I'll also continue playing squash and racquetball.

This is all in theory, stay posted to see how it pans out.

Final word on STUPIDity

2006-10-06T22:08:00.000-07:00

To be perfectly honest, this article was actually written during the meeting. So what was it that made me so angry? The simple fact that there were four speakers chosen, and not a one was representing an opposing point of view. This was a lopsided, pulpit-pounding rant on how bad the gub-mint (nod to Mark Twain) is. It seems that there is always two sides to every story, but at this meeting, it was a bunch of one-sided fringe opinions. Even the tree-hugging, Patagonia-type wearing teacher said as much. I asked him later about that and he said that however he personally felt about the issue, there was a side that was completely unrepresented. So, in response to the comments, I still hate terrorism.

Here's a thought that I had. How do we try to fight a war for which there is no precedent in our country's experience? We are trying to fight people who are less than honest about their true intentions. Osama says America is evil and therefore should be destroyed (or converted to Islam). Hitler was at least honest enough to and say, "I think I am stronger than my combined enemies and will therefore try and take control." Osama is a little more oblique. Osama says, "America is evil because it supports Israel, and therefore we have a right to kill as many Americans as we can." What he's thinking is that he can influence the politics of the U.S. and maybe gain a measure of control either actual or tacit. I guess the question is how do we fight an idea when the cycle is: Americans are evil therefore kill them, and if they fight back, they're evil and should be killed.

Do I know what Osama's actual thoughts are? No, but isn't this a cycle that repeats itself all over the world?

Stupid, STupid, STUpid, STUPid, STUPId, STUPID!!!

2006-10-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here's a very stupid thing. I have to go to this really stupid panel because my D@*& Constitutional liberal, tree-hugging, Patagonia-wearing type teacher has decided that he might include on the final a question about this panel. I hate this discussion, I hate the vitriol that's pours from the kind of people that decide to speak at this kind of meeting.
AND I HAVE TO ATTEND OR I'M GONNA GET HAMMMERED ON THE FINAL! I came to law school so I could get a law degree and work as a tax attoney. I didn't come here to get brain washed into thinking that terrorists are eligible for the same protections by the Constitution as I am. How is it that people who hate and fight against the ideas that are the U.S. are protected by the laws that it embodies?
Dunno, I don't care, I want my dang degree, I'll never set foot again at DU (except for some very limited circumstances). I'll never sit through another thing like this if I can help it.
"Nobody here wants to see the terrorists go unpunished!!!" Yeah, that's a real statement, unfortunately, everything they've said is paraphrased as "THEY HAVE RIGHTS! WE SHOULD LET THEM GO!" Wait, how does that work?

I'm sick and tired of this crap.

Basic Intelligence

2006-08-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I'm not very smart. It's not that my IQ is low or I have some learning disability or something. It's that sometimes, the information doesn't quite connect.
Example: A few days ago, my wife and I left the house at the same time, but we were heading to different places. I ride my scooter as a second car. My wife has the Volvo because she also has the boy. So, we left and she followed me for a little while. We stopped at a light and I looked in my rearview. She had the sunroof open and I saw the sunlight in the car and I thought, "I want a sunroof."
I'll just say that sometimes, I'm not very smart.

Scooters and how to save the world

2006-08-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ha, so I had a brilliant revelation on how to take care of the transportation problem in this country. The answer is as simple as it is brilliant. Although it will require some small sacrifices, it's a price many should be willing to pay.

My idea is this, have everybody who drives an SUV trade it in for a reasonable sized car, truck, wagon, or minivan and a scooter. The thing is this: SUV's don't really serve any transportation need. They're mostly compensation for shortcomings. If the size of the SUV is any indicator, I'd say that some people have some very, very shortcomings. I figure that if the people would get over themselves, they'd be willing to use some common sense.

Here's why my plan works. Fact: scooters can get up to 100 miles per gallon. I have a commute for 40 minutes a day, I have to fill my scooter up once a week. It costs me roughly $4. Let's take an H2 for example. GM doesn't provide exact fuel economy specs, but estimates range from high single digit mileage, to low double digits. They have a fuel tank of 32 gallons. At $3 per gallon, a fill-up is about $150; the cost to drive an H2 only in the gas is about $.30/mile. I drive about 100 miles per week this means that the H2 driver is paying about $30 in gas/week. If the price of a scooter is $1800 new, this means that I can buy a scooter about every 14 months and still come out about even. To add insult to injury, a bare bones H2 runs about 53,000; fully loaded 70,000ish. Note to self: when I see H2 laugh and point at the driver. On second thought, this person is also probably so insecure, he'll run me down just to prove how tough he is, therefore, I probably better not do it too obviously.

Granted there are limits, for instance, you can't go much above 35 miles/hour, or in icy/snowy conditions. That's why you buy the reasonable, useful, but not as ostentatious, car, truck, wagon, or minivan.

But seriously people, the money is such a small aspect of the benefits of riding a scooter. For one thing, I've had mine for 8 months and I still like riding it. Another is that I'm no longer bound by the constraints of parking. Anywhere I can put it is probably a valid parking space. One of the best parts about scooting is that you've been adopted into a sort of informal club. It's the club of people who finally caught on to how cool scooters are and how we have nothing to prove. Seriously, it's pretty common to have other scooteers wave at you. Not only that, but scooters are an automatic conversation starter. This might help the insecure H2 driver strike up a conversation that otherwise he might be too chicken to do. I mean really, what do you do with the H2? "Hey baby, you wanna check out my monstrous compensatory vehicle?" NO! Think scooter. "Hey baby, you wanna jump on and take a spin with me?" Don't take my word for it, rent a scooter for a day and try it. She'll laugh think you're cool and probably say yes.
Can you imagine a world where there are twice as many lanes available for travel If more people rode scooters, that's what would happen. With more lanes, there would be less traffic, and less road rage. Also, can you imagine what would happen in a 15 scooter accident? Everybody would get up, brush themselves off, and be on their way. Except for the one guy who got a boo-boo on his knee. He'd get a band-aid and then be on his way.

Another note, I'm in Colorado which is about as scooter friendly as a place can be. In Utah, I know that the politicians haven't caught up with the practicality of a scooter. So before you buy one, check with your local laws.

More later as well as links to what kinds of scooters are available.

It looks like a father and son nap.

2006-08-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

Playing in the political mudpit

2006-08-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Politics, ugh! More crap on how Hillary is the worst person in the world, and how the Republican party is selling our country to "it's corporate paymasters" (Quoting Lou Dobbs from something I read from CNN.)
Really, why would we work together to solve the problems in the country when it's so much easier to pull ourselves apart? Do we think the United States so strong that we can quarrel as much as we want and still be prepared to defend ourselves against terrorists who want to kill us?
Maybe this is the type of corruption that brought down Rome. Our public offices are available to the person who spends the most money. The people who want to spend the money engage in so much mud-slinging that I can't tell who would be a good leader.
I believe that America is still home to millions of wonderful people. I've met quite a few having moved to a new city. However, the moral compass of this country is in need of some serious realignment. I believe that if Christians, Jews, Muslims, etc., acted the way that Jesus, Yahweh, Muhammed, etc., intended, then this country would begin to choose wiser leaders, and those leaders would acknowledge their dependence on a higher being. Crazy, extremist organizations would be marginalized, and everybody's basic needs would be met. We don't need a bigger or smaller government. We don't need a stronger or weaker military. We don't need to change the structure of our society. What we need is for the existing society to behave with the primary goal of the good of the whole. This means that we focus less on our personal fortunes, and more on using our influence to do good.
We must start at the most fundamental unit of society: our families. First, we need to respect and honor our spouses even more than ourselves. Then we must be loving parents, and teach our children to love and respect others despite inevitable differences. If everybody taught their children to forgive and ask for forgiveness, there would be virtually no crime, and a much greater chance for each of us to improve our own situations. Simply put, increasing the strength of the fabric of society will improve the fortune of the entire society. Any attempt to further one's personal interests at the expense of another is the quickest way to hurt one's long term well-being, as well as society in general.
What would happen in the Middle East if everybody there, Jews and Muslims alike taught their children that there is no us and them, there is simply us. I think the fighting would end tomorrow, and the poverty of the region could be ended by 2007.
That's enough for now, I'm back to work.

Climbing the Professional Ladder

2006-08-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

I am currently a student. I want to land a good job as I'm sure all students do. To that end, I engage in networking. This networking recently paid off as I had the chance to go to lunch with two people whom I admire very much. They both work in a fields that interest me, and they're both very good contacts. I got to know one guy, Joe, and he introduced me to the other, John. John is a partner at the firm and Joe is an associate. John suggested a get-to-know-you meeting, his treat, at a nice restaurant. When we walked in, he greeted the seating hostess saying, "Hi Liz, how are you today?" She replied, "I'm well John, we'll get you a table right away." To me, this is one small way to know when you've made it: going into a nice restaurant, greeting and being greeted by name, and getting a table immediately.

As I said before, I want to be successful in my career. I believe that success comes by careful building because slipshod shennanigans tend to destroy a good career before it even begins. So how does one begin to be successful? The answer is easy. If you want people at restaurants to know you, start by recognizing them. I did this in a small way last night. My wife and I had not eaten dinner and it was 10:00. What to do? Simple, order pizza. We ordered pizza and 20 minutes later, it arrived. Funny thing is, it's the same guy who delivered it last time. Even funnier, I'm wearing the same shirt as I was the last time he came. WHO REMEMBERS WHAT SHIRT THEY WERE WEARING LAST TIME THE PIZZA GUY CAME? Me, the shirt is not just any shirt. It's a Manchester United jersey. The reason it's memorable is because, (A)It's a well known shirt and this guy is not a native to the United States which means he's likely a soccer fan and would therefore recognize one of the most popular clubs in the world, and (B), this shirt is bright, freakin' red. So, he came to the door, and we caught up on the pleasantries of where we've been playing, and injuries, and of course, the preseason for the English Premier League.

That's one small step for a man, and another small step for an aspiring professional.

Angles on Dud Books

2006-07-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dan Brown.
I remember the news talking about how the Vatican's denunciation of the book "The DaVinci Code". Why? What does the Catholic church have to fear from Dan Brown? I'll tell you what they have to worry about, NOTHING. You heard me, not a dang thing. Why? The answer is simple, it's DAN BROWN. In the words of Billy Madison, "We are all now dumber for having [read Dan Brown's work]."

You might ask, "What is the basis for your criticism of Dan Brown?" I'll tell you. I read The DaVinci Code, and Angels and Demons. I could have put myself through a 10-day marathon of Beverly Hill Billies, but I chose the greater of two evils and read his books. In the words of Homer Simpson, "DOH!"

OK, my point is this, Dan Brown is a lousy author. His work represents the intellectual acheivements of everything connected to Scooby Doo (I actually think that Scooby Doo ranks above Brown because Scoob didn't have any pretenses). Basically, Brown starts with "Fact: something exists currently. Fact: somebody lived a long time ago" Next follows the prologue, "Something grisly/tragic happens to an über-brilliant person by a scarybadguy and here we have a major teaser for the rest of the book". That's not so bad except that the only reason that we want to keep reading is the same reason we stare at a trainwreck. It's not important to us personally, but we just can't stop looking. Wow, the book ascends to the level of trainwreck. Next, we have Chapter 1 - 137, you heard me, 137 chapters

Dan Brown starts his books according to the following formula: "Robert Langdon awoke and stared at the wall, he wondered how many people realized that the wall was the ancient phallic symbol for privacy/protection/separation. He received a weird phone call that demanded his immediate attention. Reluctantly, he decided to get sucked into a whirlwind adventure that would involve an über hot/über-brilliant girl, introduced by a semi-pornographic description, who happens to be related to the guy who was grisily/tragically murdered by the scarybadguy. 'This whole bizzare scenario is somehow connected to the Vatican,' thought Robert Langdon as he picked out a tweed jacket, turtleneck shirt with a matching cardigan, plaid golf pants, knee-high socks, and a pair of brown wingtips. Langdon looked at himself in the mirror and thought, 'All I need for this ensemble is a Mickey Mouse watch.'"

Next is our cast of miscellaneous itemized characters of roughly 10 gazillion. Each character may be good or bad. As the book wears on, we get a kaleidoscope view of the overall "plot" for lack of a better word about how each character is being either good or bad. But that's not all, what a given character may be doing at any time, is not a good indicator of his good or bad status. The only constants are that Robert Langdon = good, scarybadguy = bad. The kaleidoscope view quickly loses its cliffhanger quality and adopts the attribute of being a major, annoying distraction.

From there, we go through the obligatory twists and turns. Analogy: a book is like a rollercoaster. A good rollercoaster has twists and turns that excite and keep you wanting more. A rollercoaster with too few twists and turns, or with lots of the same twists and turns is predictable. A roller coaster with too many twists and turns is nauseating. A ride with too many twists and turns that are all the same, is both sickening and predictable. Reading this book was like the last ride, I've strapped in and I have to see it to the end, but more than likely, I'm gonna vomit and never come back. The only reason I read Angels and Demons was because somebody recommended it to me and said it was "better than The DaVinci Code".

The climax comes with the death of the scarybadguy, FINALLY! The group under attack is saved. Was there ever a doubt that it would survive?

I think the point to Dan Brown's work is that religion is bad, the Catholic church is the epitome of that bad, and symbology is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. A summary of the argument against religion would go like:
Case-in-chief: The Catholic church is bad.
Rebuttal: No it's not.
Surrebuttal: Yes it is.
Continue ad nauseum.

The winding down involves the revelation of whodunnit, and Robert Langdon getting laid. The best part of the whole darn thing is when it's over and I can get off and go kneel in front of the porcelain throne to worship Mary Magdalene's bones.

I hear a rumor that Dan Brown is now researching the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, (AKA the Mormons) for his next trainwreck, I mean, book. If that's the case, I'm gonna guess that the President of the church is the bad guy, Langdon's the good guy, in the end, the church is just fine, and Langdon gets lucky. I hope his Internet research of anti-mormon literature pays off. Whatever the result, I'll buy the Cliff's notes.