Angles on Dud Books

Dan Brown.
I remember the news talking about how the Vatican's denunciation of the book "The DaVinci Code". Why? What does the Catholic church have to fear from Dan Brown? I'll tell you what they have to worry about, NOTHING. You heard me, not a dang thing. Why? The answer is simple, it's DAN BROWN. In the words of Billy Madison, "We are all now dumber for having [read Dan Brown's work]."

You might ask, "What is the basis for your criticism of Dan Brown?" I'll tell you. I read The DaVinci Code, and Angels and Demons. I could have put myself through a 10-day marathon of Beverly Hill Billies, but I chose the greater of two evils and read his books. In the words of Homer Simpson, "DOH!"

OK, my point is this, Dan Brown is a lousy author. His work represents the intellectual acheivements of everything connected to Scooby Doo (I actually think that Scooby Doo ranks above Brown because Scoob didn't have any pretenses). Basically, Brown starts with "Fact: something exists currently. Fact: somebody lived a long time ago" Next follows the prologue, "Something grisly/tragic happens to an über-brilliant person by a scarybadguy and here we have a major teaser for the rest of the book". That's not so bad except that the only reason that we want to keep reading is the same reason we stare at a trainwreck. It's not important to us personally, but we just can't stop looking. Wow, the book ascends to the level of trainwreck. Next, we have Chapter 1 - 137, you heard me, 137 chapters

Dan Brown starts his books according to the following formula: "Robert Langdon awoke and stared at the wall, he wondered how many people realized that the wall was the ancient phallic symbol for privacy/protection/separation. He received a weird phone call that demanded his immediate attention. Reluctantly, he decided to get sucked into a whirlwind adventure that would involve an über hot/über-brilliant girl, introduced by a semi-pornographic description, who happens to be related to the guy who was grisily/tragically murdered by the scarybadguy. 'This whole bizzare scenario is somehow connected to the Vatican,' thought Robert Langdon as he picked out a tweed jacket, turtleneck shirt with a matching cardigan, plaid golf pants, knee-high socks, and a pair of brown wingtips. Langdon looked at himself in the mirror and thought, 'All I need for this ensemble is a Mickey Mouse watch.'"

Next is our cast of miscellaneous itemized characters of roughly 10 gazillion. Each character may be good or bad. As the book wears on, we get a kaleidoscope view of the overall "plot" for lack of a better word about how each character is being either good or bad. But that's not all, what a given character may be doing at any time, is not a good indicator of his good or bad status. The only constants are that Robert Langdon = good, scarybadguy = bad. The kaleidoscope view quickly loses its cliffhanger quality and adopts the attribute of being a major, annoying distraction.

From there, we go through the obligatory twists and turns. Analogy: a book is like a rollercoaster. A good rollercoaster has twists and turns that excite and keep you wanting more. A rollercoaster with too few twists and turns, or with lots of the same twists and turns is predictable. A roller coaster with too many twists and turns is nauseating. A ride with too many twists and turns that are all the same, is both sickening and predictable. Reading this book was like the last ride, I've strapped in and I have to see it to the end, but more than likely, I'm gonna vomit and never come back. The only reason I read Angels and Demons was because somebody recommended it to me and said it was "better than The DaVinci Code".

The climax comes with the death of the scarybadguy, FINALLY! The group under attack is saved. Was there ever a doubt that it would survive?

I think the point to Dan Brown's work is that religion is bad, the Catholic church is the epitome of that bad, and symbology is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. A summary of the argument against religion would go like:
Case-in-chief: The Catholic church is bad.
Rebuttal: No it's not.
Surrebuttal: Yes it is.
Continue ad nauseum.

The winding down involves the revelation of whodunnit, and Robert Langdon getting laid. The best part of the whole darn thing is when it's over and I can get off and go kneel in front of the porcelain throne to worship Mary Magdalene's bones.

I hear a rumor that Dan Brown is now researching the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, (AKA the Mormons) for his next trainwreck, I mean, book. If that's the case, I'm gonna guess that the President of the church is the bad guy, Langdon's the good guy, in the end, the church is just fine, and Langdon gets lucky. I hope his Internet research of anti-mormon literature pays off. Whatever the result, I'll buy the Cliff's notes.