Thursday, July 26, 2007

No more Mr. Nice Guy

Thus far I have given Hummer drivers the benefit of the doubt and considered them to be human beings. I'm done with that. I used to think that the Hummer owners just had insecurities and over the last few days, I realized what those insecurities are. Men, of course, simply lack the usual signs attributed to the male gender and think a Hummer will compensate for that. Women Hummer drivers feel fat. I have news for them, they are fat and the Hummer only emphasizes that fact. It adds a grotesque 6,000 pounds.

If you're reading this column, you may be wondering why I'm angry. The reason is that I was nearly killed on my scooter yesterday by, you guessed it, a Hummer. I had the right of way but the idiot decided to try and make a left hand turn. I managed to stop before I put a dent in his passenger door. When I finally got settled (my scooter nearly spilled because I had to throw on my brakes so hard that the wheels locked up), the driver decided that, "OK, now I'll go." Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to swear angrily at him and tell him to let me pass. I went past and continued to yell until he was gone. This is not road rage, this is terrified-for-my-life-because-a-piece-of-meat-with-
enough-money-to-buy-an-H2-was-allowed-to-be-on-the-road-
instead-of-in-a-butcher's-shop-waiting-to-be-sold-by-the-pound.

H1 and H2 drivers deserve every bad thing that happens to them. Vandalism is wrong, but this story is one where the driver got what he deserved, after all, he bought the Hummer.

Hummer Vandalism Story

Hummer drivers should be insulted, stripped of their privileges as US citizens and human beings and shunned for the rest of their lives. There should be a rank of society called hummer. Those in this caste should only be allowed to clean toilets with toothbrushes, without pay. They should never be allowed to mix with higher social classes such as convicted felons.

One job that would allow Hummers to gain the privilege of being paid is where they along with their vehicles, are sent to Iraq to be used as mine sweepers. In other words, they drive down the roads looking for mines the old fashioned way, using their eyeballs. If they find one, then the soldiers can disarm the thing. Survival means continued minesweeping. They will work until they die. I'm sure the terrorists will oblige. This plan will allow our soldiers to be a little safer and will get rid of the most undesirable elements of our society. Their payment can be used to first pay for their funeral; second pay for their transport costs back to the US, and third for the removal of the wreckage of their vehicle; any remaining money will be given to their families.

I think this is a practical solution that should be given serious consideration. I know some Hummer owners may protest, but because they bought the thing, their protests will fall on deaf ears. If I get any nasty comments, I will immediately post them and they will show that these hummers are truly brainless.

So readers, remember the ultimate insult is to refer to somebody as a "hummer". Let's get the ball rolling by flying the bird every time we see a person driving a Hummer.

2 Comments:

At 6:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the potential problems with male insecurity syndrome being mixed with hummers is that it used to be mixed with sports cars (still is for some). Driving a Hummer like a nimble sports car is a very dangerous thing for anyone within 100 yards of said Hummer.

Sounds like you had the misfortune of "sharing" the road with someone who forgot which insecurity pill he took that morning.

I'm glad you didn't dent his door.

 
At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

By sharing you mean, if I don't get in his way I'm fine. I like the comment "forgot which insecurity pill he took..."
Thanks for being glad I'm safe. I pulled a piece of embedded gravel out of my toe this morning. Remember, emergency stops of a scooter and flip-flops don't mix.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home