Armchair Quarterbacks

First, this post inappropriately named, and only slightly humorous. Armchair quarterbacks have generally at least seen a football other than on a TV screen. The person described here has NEVER actually touched a real soccer ball. He just "really thinks this game is cool."

I was watching a soccer match between Benfica FC v. Manchester United in the cafeteria a while ago and the most irritating guy alive (TMIGA) sat down at the table to watch the game. I don't mind this as it's a cafeteria and the game was on the TV. If it had been my living room I might have felt differently. Soon, and by "soon" I mean about two minutes later, I wished that I was not there. TMIGA was eating, but instead of eating quietly with his mouth shut, he was smacking with every movement of his jaw. It was driving me nuts. Pretty soon, he asked me who I was rooting for. I said Manchester United. He said, "They're an OK team." My jaw hit the floor, rebounded, smacked, and hit the floor again. I asked him if he was a Benfica fan. He answered no, smack, smack, smack. I asked him what league, if any, he followed. He replied that he followed all leagues and proceeded to give the life history and statistic of every single team, player, smack, coach, league, ball, flag, referee, net, and blade of grass in, smack, the history of the sport dating back to ancient Rome; smack, smack, smack.

Needless to say, I was impressed by the exhausting amount of information in his head. As I didn't know the complete history myself, I didn't have much to add by way of opinion. I asked him what team, if any, was his favorite. He replied that Pumas from Mexico was his favorite. I nearly threw up, but held it in. I asked him why. He said that they had a very attractive style of play and great players. I felt a great and burning desire to stick his head on a fork as a warning that fans of Mexican soccer were not welcome at this table. Instead I asked a crucial question, "How long have you been playing soccer?" What he said changed the course of the conversation, i.e. ended it. "Never, I just really think this game is cool."

As the game progressed, he became the third announcer with such comments as "good idea, poor execution" and "good idea, poor execution". Sometimes, he would even come up with something so creative as "good idea, but poor execution." By the end of the game, I was ecstatic because Man U beat Benfica at home, but I had quit listening to the monotonous drone of the TMIGA.

Later in the same cafeteria, I was watching a game between Barcelona and Chelsea. A large group of my friends had come because this was not a game to be missed, It was large enough that there were two rows of chairs. Sure enough TMIGA showed up again with his lunch and sat down in the second row. The endless stream of statistics and good-idea-poor-execution's started up again punctuated with his infuriating smacking noises. As the game continued, the entire front row was throwing him dirty looks which he appeared to be too dense to notice. At 1:15 a few people had to go to class. The girl on my right stood up and left. TMIGA moved as quick as lightning and took her spot. Unfortunate because one of the group was about to take the chair and use it as a foot rest to prevent his sitting next to us.

A couple of times, I asked one friend who has played some fairly high level soccer a question or two and almost incomprehensibly, TMIGA answered instead of my friend. I don't think TMGIA even understands some basic social skills required to be accepted in polite society. What most irritated me was that TMIGA pulled out his laptop and began announcing the results of other concurrent games. He even announced a goal for Chelsea. The funny thing is that we were actually watching when Chelsea scored. His announcement came a few seconds after it happened. By the end of the game, we had all quit talking to him or responding to his comments.

I understand why TMIGA is TMIGA. He would never get the joke of "Came apart like a $7 ball." He doesn't know the first thing about supplying the perfect pass or putting a volley past the keeper for the win. It's all X's and O's to him; theoretical, chalkboard information. He's never experienced the heartbreak, or exhilaration that comes from a good game. He'd be confused by the tension that arises in the final minutes of a crucial match, because the solution to him is just to be the X's and O's and you'll win. Sport to him is the same thing as a video game. If you push the right buttons at the right time, you score goals. He likes sport, but doesn't realize that you have to join to truly understand it. Good idea, bad execution son, go back to your X-box, smack.