U R A BUS

"Define: Subaru" Enter this phrase into Google, and there is every chance that you'll come up with something like "Design by Schizophrenia". I haven't actually tried it but just by looking at the cars, I come to that conclusion. The point of this post is to ask "What is it that thing, and why would a person do that to a helpless chassis?"


Take for instance the Baja. What is it? A car, a truck, a wagon, an SUV? I think the way that it was designed was by an engineer who had literally dozens of voices talking in his head with suggestions. "Make a car!" "No make a truck!" "No it has to be a wagon!" "But people are really into SUV's right now!" While in a dark corner corner curled up and rocking back and forth, an undercurrent of a voice is saying, "Make it small, I like to make things small, can we make it fit on the head of a pin, I love it when we make things fit on the head of a pin." Another voice (the one that speaks to Darwin award winners) was saying, "JET ENGINE, IT MUST HAVE A JET ENGINE!" Fortunately, the bureau of design approvers all hated flying and so ruled it out. But everybody on the bureau was happy because it catered to their preferences in some way or another.

I'm forced to wonder, how did they come up with the name? Baja, to what does it refer? I shouldn't ask or I would have to ask about the Hyundai Tiburon (spanish for "shark") Does the car swim? But I digress, I believe that the original name for the Baja was Suv, Car, WAgon, truCK. Or in other words, the "Subaru SCWACK". I actually think that's the what the voice was saying from another dark corner, "Scwack, scwack, scwack ..." That voice probably got the argument started in the first place. Baja is spanish for "Low" so I'm guessing it was the "Make it small" voice that came up with the name.

Another instance is their little coupes. Do they really think they need the air intakes to try and keep up with the Ferrari's? Basically Subaru, Ferrari's are out of your league, as are all things NASCAR. It's time to give up and stick with what you know, small, underpowered, disposable coupes that are painted in muted tones, not the bright, garish, sinfully ugly things that you're currently putting out on the roads. Case in point:



HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

This car is called the WRX. Seriously, the WRX. This name sounds like the left over Scrabble tiles that didn't fit any words. I think they named it that after getting sued by Willie Wonka for calling it the "uber-coupe-a-loompa" and then later by Disney for calling it the "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius".

I think I know why Subaru does it. College kids and people who are too old to be college kids but don't know it. If only the college crowd had their parents stop paying for their every need. I'm sorry, I'm here at the University of Denver and Holy Cow! does Daddy's money flow freely.

Enough of this rant, Subaru cars speak for themselves and what they're saying is "SCWACK!"

Also, did you know that Subaru spelled backwards is "U R A BUS"? Which voice was saying that?