No more Mr. Nice Guy

Thus far I have given Hummer drivers the benefit of the doubt and considered them to be human beings. I'm done with that. I used to think that the Hummer owners just had insecurities and over the last few days, I realized what those insecurities are. Men, of course, simply lack the usual signs attributed to the male gender and think a Hummer will compensate for that. Women Hummer drivers feel fat. I have news for them, they are fat and the Hummer only emphasizes that fact. It adds a grotesque 6,000 pounds.

If you're reading this column, you may be wondering why I'm angry. The reason is that I was nearly killed on my scooter yesterday by, you guessed it, a Hummer. I had the right of way but the idiot decided to try and make a left hand turn. I managed to stop before I put a dent in his passenger door. When I finally got settled (my scooter nearly spilled because I had to throw on my brakes so hard that the wheels locked up), the driver decided that, "OK, now I'll go." Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to swear angrily at him and tell him to let me pass. I went past and continued to yell until he was gone. This is not road rage, this is terrified-for-my-life-because-a-piece-of-meat-with-
enough-money-to-buy-an-H2-was-allowed-to-be-on-the-road-
instead-of-in-a-butcher's-shop-waiting-to-be-sold-by-the-pound.

H1 and H2 drivers deserve every bad thing that happens to them. Vandalism is wrong, but this story is one where the driver got what he deserved, after all, he bought the Hummer.

Hummer Vandalism Story

Hummer drivers should be insulted, stripped of their privileges as US citizens and human beings and shunned for the rest of their lives. There should be a rank of society called hummer. Those in this caste should only be allowed to clean toilets with toothbrushes, without pay. They should never be allowed to mix with higher social classes such as convicted felons.

One job that would allow Hummers to gain the privilege of being paid is where they along with their vehicles, are sent to Iraq to be used as mine sweepers. In other words, they drive down the roads looking for mines the old fashioned way, using their eyeballs. If they find one, then the soldiers can disarm the thing. Survival means continued minesweeping. They will work until they die. I'm sure the terrorists will oblige. This plan will allow our soldiers to be a little safer and will get rid of the most undesirable elements of our society. Their payment can be used to first pay for their funeral; second pay for their transport costs back to the US, and third for the removal of the wreckage of their vehicle; any remaining money will be given to their families.

I think this is a practical solution that should be given serious consideration. I know some Hummer owners may protest, but because they bought the thing, their protests will fall on deaf ears. If I get any nasty comments, I will immediately post them and they will show that these hummers are truly brainless.

So readers, remember the ultimate insult is to refer to somebody as a "hummer". Let's get the ball rolling by flying the bird every time we see a person driving a Hummer.

U R A BUS

"Define: Subaru" Enter this phrase into Google, and there is every chance that you'll come up with something like "Design by Schizophrenia". I haven't actually tried it but just by looking at the cars, I come to that conclusion. The point of this post is to ask "What is it that thing, and why would a person do that to a helpless chassis?"


Take for instance the Baja. What is it? A car, a truck, a wagon, an SUV? I think the way that it was designed was by an engineer who had literally dozens of voices talking in his head with suggestions. "Make a car!" "No make a truck!" "No it has to be a wagon!" "But people are really into SUV's right now!" While in a dark corner corner curled up and rocking back and forth, an undercurrent of a voice is saying, "Make it small, I like to make things small, can we make it fit on the head of a pin, I love it when we make things fit on the head of a pin." Another voice (the one that speaks to Darwin award winners) was saying, "JET ENGINE, IT MUST HAVE A JET ENGINE!" Fortunately, the bureau of design approvers all hated flying and so ruled it out. But everybody on the bureau was happy because it catered to their preferences in some way or another.

I'm forced to wonder, how did they come up with the name? Baja, to what does it refer? I shouldn't ask or I would have to ask about the Hyundai Tiburon (spanish for "shark") Does the car swim? But I digress, I believe that the original name for the Baja was Suv, Car, WAgon, truCK. Or in other words, the "Subaru SCWACK". I actually think that's the what the voice was saying from another dark corner, "Scwack, scwack, scwack ..." That voice probably got the argument started in the first place. Baja is spanish for "Low" so I'm guessing it was the "Make it small" voice that came up with the name.

Another instance is their little coupes. Do they really think they need the air intakes to try and keep up with the Ferrari's? Basically Subaru, Ferrari's are out of your league, as are all things NASCAR. It's time to give up and stick with what you know, small, underpowered, disposable coupes that are painted in muted tones, not the bright, garish, sinfully ugly things that you're currently putting out on the roads. Case in point:



HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

This car is called the WRX. Seriously, the WRX. This name sounds like the left over Scrabble tiles that didn't fit any words. I think they named it that after getting sued by Willie Wonka for calling it the "uber-coupe-a-loompa" and then later by Disney for calling it the "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius".

I think I know why Subaru does it. College kids and people who are too old to be college kids but don't know it. If only the college crowd had their parents stop paying for their every need. I'm sorry, I'm here at the University of Denver and Holy Cow! does Daddy's money flow freely.

Enough of this rant, Subaru cars speak for themselves and what they're saying is "SCWACK!"

Also, did you know that Subaru spelled backwards is "U R A BUS"? Which voice was saying that?

Immigration

I am speaking only for myself when I say this.

I think my major issue with immigration from Latin America is not that they come here. I say the more people who are willing to work hard, the better. I can't say that it's a bad thing for Latinos to bring in their culture, who's to say which "culture" is better? My big issue is when people immigrate for a meal ticket and not a new homeland. Too many people immigrate saying, "Yeah, I live here, but I'll always be a _______." If they want to come fine, but come and be Americans, don't come for the work opportunity, come to be a part of the country. Wave the American flag, don't drive around with Mexican flags hanging off the car. When the Mexican soccer team comes to town, wear the Red, White, and Blue, not El Tri.

I love the immigration of personalities, but I don't want the immigration of nationalities.